Lip-foliage Shenanigans…

Sunday, June 28th, 2015

Ah, the moustache! Friend, comforter, the sentry that stands guard over the portal to your innermost self. Where Man is, there is Moustache. Indeed, in some cultures, the hirsute appendage is seen on both men and women, and why not? Why should a woman not sport magnificent lipholstery if she wishes? Why should a man not adorn himself in a fetching cobalt gown and jewelled slippers, and…

I digress. Moustaches are splendid. People wearing moustaches (unless they are scoundrels) are splendid. Household pets wearing moustaches are splendid. A moustache on a flea would be quite hard to see, but I’d tender a fee to see one on a bee. I confess, though, I’m mightily puzzled by the current preoccupation with slapping moustaches onto anything that can’t get up and walk away.

I can understand the logic behind a moustache cup. No, not one of these:

 

A Royal Crown Derby cup with a moustache guard

Moustache Cup from Royal Crown Derby

 

…although that really is rather glorious. No, this sort of thing:

 

White mug with a moustache print and a lid shaped like a bowler hat

Moustache mug with sugar bowl-er hat

  

You lift it to your lips and — Hurrah! — instant moustache. But who, honestly, looked at their breakfast egg and thought This would taste ever so much better if it could be cooked into the shape of facial hair

 

Picture of moustache shaped egg fryer

Moustache egg frying mould from Island Dogs

 

Likewise, I have never enquired of a stranger as to the hour and then rejected their answer because their watch was moustacheless.

 

Silver coloured pocket watch with embossed moustache

Pewter moustache pocket watch by AE Williams Pewter

 

Moustaches are absorbent — they can hold up to one-fifth of their weight in water. Yet I’ve never been tempted to emerge from a relaxing bath into the embrace of anything like this:

 

White bath towel with printed moustaches

Moustache bath towel available on Zazzle

 

You might accuse me of being curmudgeonly. I’m sure there’s a great demand for moustache metronomes and moustache carpet-beaters and moustache toenail clippers. Still, I maintain that there is only one place where a moustache truly belongs:

 

Close-up of a male face with the word 'here' above the upper lip

This is not the same as having a word on the tip of your tongue.

 

So let us spare a thought for those who yearn to feel the soft caress of elegant, well-groomed follicle foliage nestling snugly beneath their noses. Those with unfurnished philtra, who must endure the ordeal of rain lashing their shivering upper lips, ignorant of the marvellous ease and reassurance of that sheltering canopy of keratinous delight.

Must it be borne?

NO!

 

Newspaper clipping of an advert for moustache substitutes

The Strangeness and Charm Moustache Substitute System

 

Look at this fine fellow, proudly displaying his magnificent appendage for all to admire! How dapper! How suave! ‘That’s all very well,’ I hear you cry. ‘But how can we be sure that the image in the article is a faithful representation? What if an unscrupulous lithographer were to tamper with it?’ Well, worry no longer. Our clients are literally singing our praises!

 

(Clip courtesy of Mr Benjamin Ripley — writer, comedian, blogger and dashed good fellow)

 

I couldn’t have put it better myself.

 

 

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